Scene 1: The handsome man arrives home after doing the grocery shopping. He's putting items away as a woman walks into the kitchen. He asks, "Where does the dry mustard go?" The kind and loving woman (who is absolutely grateful that the handsome man got up early and did the grocery shopping during ‘senior hours’, while she was able to curl up in her favorite chair and sip her hot coffee) replies, "In the spice cupboard. Here, I'll do it. There's a tiny bit left in the other jar. I'll just combine them. "
Scene 2: He holds tightly to the jar and scowls at her. She scowls back. He scowls harder. She scowls back even harder and says, "What?" He says, "You don't want to do that - the old stuff will get mixed with the new stuff. We need to use the old one up first." She says (sighing), "It's dry mustard. There's a TINY pinch left in the other jar. It won't matter. Just give me the jar and I'll take care of it."
Scene 3: While handing the jar over he says, “I don’t want old dry mustard mixed with the new dry mustard.” Very sweetly, but with determination, she says, “It’s dry mustard. Really. That pinch is going to come out first, anyway, so it doesn’t matter.” And in her head, she’s thinking ‘when was the last time you cooked with dry mustard?’. (disclosure here … he’s a very good cook in his own right.)
Scene 4: There’s a quick stare-down, a few more comments, and then it’s over. She combines the jars while he walks away muttering something about 'not understanding why …. mutter mutter mutter'.
Two hours later, I’m laughing at the absurdity of this morning’s standoff. But earlier? Earlier I was ready to throw the damn jar across the kitchen. Wait - what? I never feel like that. I don't know what to DO with feelings like that. I'm the calm one, most of the time.
IT’S DRY MUSTARD, for criminy sakes!!!! We’re both trying to take control of what happens to a stupid little jar of yellow powder.
Love in the Time of Coronavirus – it’s when couples like us, who normally have lots of things to do, and healthy time away from each other – use a jar of dry mustard as the stand-in for:
“Oh My God, I NEED MY LIFE TO GET BACK TO SOME KIND OF NORMAL! I need to feel like I have control over something!!!!
And then ... I realize that same handsome grocery shopper has splurged and added a brand new bag of Cheetos to the pantry. Just for me.
Now that, folks, is Love in the Time of Coronavirus.
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